Okay so I’m no exactly your typical sugary sweet damsel. I’m more like the hauntingly seraphic voice in your head with an axe.
And oh my gosh, I never thought I would be blogging about something like this but really there is no where else I can let it out.
I love my boyfriend, I do. Despite him being a guy. And okay so maybe I am a bit sexist but I hate the shit women have to go through because majority of men think from their dicks and really….how helpful can a penis be to brave the cold dark world? Bear with my absurdity.
I think its amazing as to how much of my crap he puts up with considering I am jolly well bipolar and psychotic. From my mood swings, to my hallucinations to me wrecking havoc and destroying myself – he’s gotten upset, cried, yelled and almost walked out on me once but I suppose he’s learning too.
Learning what exactly? Well that I really have no control over myself when it takes over.
And only when it ends and leaves me with broken pieces do I realise what it is that’s happened. It’s like I’m sitting in a triangular box inside my head, watching all of this happen and yet it never fully registers. Maybe I am crazy. Heh.
Anyway so my boyfriend is the type who’s basically Mr Badarse Biker but he loves my cat (he also feeds her and has cleaned her litter box for me), he loves cutlery (yes, you read right), likes to cook (and decorate his food for better presentation), plays Barbie games with me (I was bored and asked don’t you dare judge me) and is a bit of a softie which just adds to his weird charm.
What is wrong with him? Nothing. Why am I trying to find a flaw? Because it annoys me that he actually loves me. When we first got together, we were close friends and I thought ‘Heck, he’ll get bored so whatever lets just go with the flow and have fun’ now that he is serious about being in a committed relationship I’m like ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO my cat’s poop stinks, you cannot be with me and this is a no-human zone’.
I just get tired because for me its a struggle. Any kind of a relationship. I do pretty well professionally but if you ask me to be around someone often or for a long period of time I can’t take it. It just…..okay I do not like people climbing over my walls.
And the fact that he is, is killing me. Its like suddenly I have all these sirens going off and its painful. I know I’m being stupid but I really am sick and tired of ‘wasting time’.
Its not that I’m saying he is a waste of time but I’m a lunatic. I’m a great aunt, a good friend, a pleasant colleague but I’m not so great in the daughter and girlfriend department.
I’m okay with that. But this is someone I care about and if I can keep him from making me his Rihanna that would be great (I DON’T WANT TO BE RIHANNA). I would have saved a life and then to keep myself from thinking about it I’d open a secret lab where I would turn lizards into dinosaurs! I like balloons.
Honestly I would talk to my psychiatrist about this but he would say ‘Don’t give a flying fuck. Just do what you like’. So yes, I can’t really think with a mini me going ‘Cheat on him/Mess with his mind/Feed him vegetables’. Perfect.
Sometimes I’m happy imagining just the two of us because he’s stupid in a normal way and I’m stupid in a slightly different way. But then my defenses kick in and its exhausting.
Ah well, its not a new battle to me so I better keep fighting it if someday I want to break free.
Till then, I shall learn to somewhat enjoy the way he blatantly ruins my foul mood.
♛ The Royal Mew ♛ 
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